30 April 2024
What now feels like many lifetimes ago I spent hours in small windowless rooms, on soggy football fields, and on folding chairs in the back of auditorium stages. Most of my high school and undergraduate college days were consumed by playing in musical ensembles – indoor, outdoor, traveling and resident institutions which shaped my attention and guided me through my teens and twenties. I learned how to collaborate in these groups, and how to craft and refine my own skills. My time became structured by practicing my French Horn, and by performing with groups. All of this created a trajectory for me at a time when I did not yet have a strong sense of self efficacy. I wouldn’t say it “kept me out of trouble, “ because – ick, but it gave me a sense of direction when most things related to growing up felt utterly overwhelming.
And, as the saying goes* “the way you do anything, is the way you do everything.” So, I struggled – physically with the demands of standing and holding a heavy instrument in my spindly arms, or sitting for hours with pressure on my face and jaw. Mentally and emotionally I struggled more. It took me years to define performance anxiety – or just plain anxiety. I didn’t know how to love and enjoy attention, and also not feel immense pressure to be perfect, to please everyone. Either I would live up to those expectations, and feel ashamed for getting all the attention – or I would fail and feel like I personally was the failure. I don’t doubt that this would have been the same story, had I invested my time in academics, or sports, a social life or other endeavors.
All of this struggle, anxiety and shame pointed me eventually in the direction of somatic practices – yoga practice initially and then other forms such as Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais Method. I began doing bodywork as a massage therapist, then a physical therapist, and now also a biodynamic craniosacral therapist as a way to help others find the mind-body connection. I’ve been on a path to learn how to be comfortably in a body, how to express myself without the burden of all the layers of struggle.
It occurs to me how supportive both biodynamic craniosacral sessions, and manual therapy combined with some posture tips and ergonomic coaching would have been to my developing young musician self. This has shaped my mission and drives my passion to work with aspiring and professional performers. I genuinely want to create relationships of support with people who are out there creating and sharing their gifts. And I’d like to help take some of the struggle out of the process, and make room for ease and inspiration.
* I don’t know who to credit for this quote, but google says Martha Beck 
“I Have a Love” was the West Side Story ballad I was featured as a soloist on, for my high school marching band. Ha! A very beautiful song with an antiquated message around forbidden love.